I Expect my Miracles

The Road Stretches Out Ahead...

2012-02-07T14:57:00.001-05:00

It's been more of the same, mostly. More appointments with health care professionals, more diagnostics, more prescriptions and more lifestyle modifications. It's ok. I'm finding it fairly easy to adjust to the new ways that my life is requiring of me right now.

So far, the news has not been bad, but merely bad. And I hope to avoid any bad news completely. Maybe it's not too late.

Since I've been taking some new prescription drugs and have stopped taking some old ones, I've been feeling a modest improvement in my wellbeing. It's getting a little bit easier to get out of bed and move around. My exercise tolerance seems to be increasing a little bit and my outlook has improved markedly. I'm ready to face whatever the future holds, and I feel as though I have a future now.

Been a Long Time, Been a Long Time...

2012-01-11T17:10:00.000-05:00

Sorry that I've been away for so long, and without a word about my labs. I've had mostly normal results, with a few elevated values. I'm taking a prescription drug to treat one issue (but dropped a different prescription drug) and am awaiting the results of several more labs.

Because I've been feeling exhausted since my illness last Dec. 21, I am quite deconditioned. I was kind of astounded to find that a) Exercises for the Bedridden are appropriate for me right now, and b) today my muscles are sore from last night's "workout". I'm drawing on reserves of humility and patience that I didn't know that I had.

Since the doctor recommended exercise and a balanced diet, I have replaced my Coca-Cola with calorie-free beverages, bought far fewer sugar-sweetened cakes, cookies, candy, and ice cream, and am eating lean protein, whole grains and produce. I was also astounded at how many calories it will take per day for me to lose weight. How will I afford that many calories? How could I possibly eat that much nutritious food? I don't have a kitchen, I have a dorm-sized refrigerator...I can't use appliances (except the refrigerator and my cell phone charger). WTF? What do they think I am, a magician? I can't cook food in my mouth the way that Uncle Fester lit lightbulbs.

Most aggravating of all, for several years I ate mostly certified organic whole foods and logged 15 miles or more per week, besides attending the gym regularly. I started shopping at the conventional grocery store in order to stretch my food budget. I stopped walking after I became ill last December. I've lost all of that ground in one short calendar year. GD it!

I have found some really good tasting calorie-free drinks and lean animal protein that is precooked. But it's getting boring to eat salad with diced chicken, then pasta with tuna, then salad with tuna, then pasta with diced chicken. I'm not sure what to choose instead. Eggs? Beans? They are both gassy and might cause even more abdominal pain. But I don't even care much what's for dinner, as long as it's there and precooked.

One step at a time, I guess, although I've made one step a week. Step 1: Don't drink your calories. Ensure adequate hydration by drinking calorie-free liquids. Step 2: Eat lean protein, produce, whole grains, bilberries, black currants, blueberries, and oily fish. Step 3: Limit foods sweetened with sugar, fast foods and restaurant food. Step 4: Exercise. I checked the CDC website and am shooting for 150 minutes of cardio per week with strength training 2x/week. Of course, it raises my heart rate to walk 2/10 mile now, and Exercises for the Bedridden constitute strength training. I'm starting where I am and hope to gradually increase my exercise tolerance enough to walk around without stopping to catch my breath and sit down.

Everything hurts, though, and I'm always exhausted. I found an energy drink called Red Line that seems to help me to get out of bed when I must. It might help me to lose weight, too. I have to tell you that based on past experience, I hold absolutely no hope that this will actually happen. All of those good habits helped me to maintain my fitness level and not gain weight, but they never helped me to lose weight. But they might improve my energy level and overall health. It seems like the reward is not commensurate with the required effort, though.

In short, I don't know what the future holds. More diagnostic work? More pills? Serious bad news? I've been sick for quite a long time, now, but at least I could take care of myself. It seems like those were the good old days, now. I dread any kind of medical procedures. It's about all that I can stand to go to the doctor's office and to the labs for diagnostic tests. I take my pills every morning. It's not as though I didn't realize that I wasn't well, but now I am feeling sick. Every day. Now it permeates my consciousness day and night. Now there is no escape. Now it feels real. It feels as though the end is in sight.

I think that I'll just relax and look forward to Divine Reunion.

Journey Through my Body Human

2011-10-12T13:52:00.001-04:00

Yes, I did it. After my most recent Emergency Room visit, I did follow up with a visit to my primary care physician. Say it with me: Primary Care Physician. I loathe spending time in any medical environment and thus avoid it like the plague. Finally, since I'm feeling so weak and tired that it hurts to use the cell phone and I can't seem to summon up the strength to walk down the hall and take a shower, I decided to make an appointment for a complete physical. Now I am ready to know what is currently wrong with my physical health. I am also willing to consider that I may have been diagnosed in error, or that my conditions may have changed.

All of this represents a tremendous leap for me. I don't know why I am ready now, but wasn't before. I think that it had something to do with my former ability to wake up and do ordinary things like laundry, light housecleaning, personal care, and grocery shopping. Now I am too tired to heat water for tea, shower and wash my hair, or get dressed and walk downstairs to check the mail. My exercise tolerance has been pitiful for about a year. Now I need to take a cab to visit the grocery store. It's an undesired change that I cannot control.

I don't believe that the doctor has a magic bullet, but maybe there is a prescription that will allow me to sleep better, and one that will provide me with enough energy to get out of bed and attend to daily tasks instead of forever pushing them ahead on the calendar. There aren't many, anymore, but it always feels like an indictment against my personal competence when I find that I can't even get up and complete a simple task that didn't even make it onto my calendar five years ago. It's humbling and exasperating.

While I accept that my capabilities have changed, I need to know what my current condition is and what I can expect in the years to come. If I am ever blessed with the energy to do it, I will be cleaning my humble home and separating my possessions into those that can be discarded and those that will remain. Paring down now will mean less work for those who are left with the chores associated with a sudden, prolonged hospital visit or moving into a facility that provides continuing care. At least I can consider those who I leave behind and ease their burden.

Maybe a higher power will ease my burden, too. It's getting easier to live with the end of the road in view, but there are always moments when it hurts. Usually these moments pertain to a life that I will never live. Yet this is coupled with an unbearable lightness of being. They balance each other well, and I look forward to the cessation of chronic, near unbearable pain. I eagerly await freedom from the host of indignities, inequities, and imperfections that comprise the human condition. I won't mind leaving this impure world, though I love it well. Perhaps, for me, the best of this life has long since been, and the best of the life after is yet to be.

Road to Nowhere

2011-09-01T22:04:00.007-04:00

The central concern of The Myth of Sisyphus is what Camus calls "the absurd." Camus claims that there is a fundamental conflict between what we want from the universe (whether it be meaning, order, or reasons) and what we find in the universe (formless chaos). We will never find in life itself the meaning that we want to find. Either we will discover that meaning through a leap of faith, by placing our hopes in a God beyond this world, or we will conclude that life is meaningless. Camus opens the essay by asking if this latter conclusion that life is meaningless necessarily leads one to commit suicide. If life has no meaning, does that mean life is not worth living? If that were the case, we would have no option but to make a leap of faith or to commit suicide, says Camus. Camus is interested in pursuing a third possibility: that we can accept and live in a world devoid of meaning or purpose.

Living with the absurd, Camus suggests, is a matter of facing this fundamental contradiction and maintaining constant awareness of it. Facing the absurd does not entail suicide, but, on the contrary, allows us to live life to its fullest.

Camus identifies three characteristics of the absurd life: revolt (we must not accept any answer or reconciliation in our struggle), freedom (we are absolutely free to think and behave as we choose), and passion (we must pursue a life of rich and diverse experiences).

The book ends with a discussion of the myth of Sisyphus, who, according to the Greek myth, was punished for all eternity to roll a rock up a mountain only to have it roll back down to the bottom when he reaches the top. Camus claims that Sisyphus is the ideal absurd hero and that his punishment is representative of the human condition: Sisyphus must struggle perpetually and without hope of success. So long as he accepts that there is nothing more to life than this absurd struggle, then he can find happiness in it, says Camus. [excerpted from SparkNotes: The Myth of Sisyphus: Summary].

Maybe therein lies the key to happiness in this life.

Another Day

2011-08-05T19:16:00.000-04:00

It's just another day. Every day. They pile up like pennies in a jar, each nearly worthless in itself, but together they may purchase something of value. What are they worth? Examining the jar, I wonder how many have accumulated and what the grand total would be if, today, they were spilled out and counted by the Angel of Death. What would he purchase? Would there be enough to pay the toll? I hope that I've accrued enough currency to pay my fare to the other side of life.

I wonder what, exactly, there will be when I get there? Lots of clouds and sky and a big old white man with long hair, lots of facial hair and flowing white robes with his arms outstretched? A new firmament and a new earth? Just lots of former Earth dwellers with wings next to their heads and no more bodies, who enjoy complete unity with the all-in-all? How will we play our harps, with our wings?

Will I finally see loved ones long since parted? Will my dog be there? What about my favorite rooster and his chicken family? Squirrels? Muskrats? Chipmunks? An opossum family? A cat that rode an invisible Harley? I was rather fond of a Mr. Finch, who perched on a lady friend's shoulder during church services and added his two cents periodically. Will he get an extra set of wings or just lose the rest of his body? Can he keep his tail? It served his creator faithfully.

Well, Anyway...

2011-06-01T20:35:00.003-04:00

I'm still here. I've slept an exhausting two months away as Spring fully asserted itself on the face of the earth. A bottomless pit for sleep, I've battled insomnia, nightmares, and pain. Uncertainties that fade with the sunrise tend to loom large in the middle of the night and cast darker, greater shadows over the heart of my happiness and eclipse my joie de vivre. It's always a great relief when the sun finally begins to travel over the horizon and the birds start singing.

So what can be said? Lately I've been thinking about the demise of my earthly vehicle. How would I most prefer for my remains to be handled? Would I like to become part of a traveling sculpture? Reside in the form of ashes in an urn? Live in a grand home above the ground while others who still live and breathe have to pull up a cardboard box? I've always thought that I would be able to enrich the soil when I passed, but now there are laws that all but prohibit that, regardless of one's cause of death. And there aren't all that many worms, insects, and other wildlife to turn me into decaying organic matter, then nitrogenous waste, then fertile soil. What, then, to do?

I could leave my remains to a medical research facility, but I wouldn't want to become part of a National Lampoon's Medical Research Facility remains fight, really. I'm all for the respectful disposition of human remains. Feeding the hungry is not a legal option in this country, though it was once required by many organized religions. Honestly, I'm not sure how much it matters anyway. Once I'm gone, I'm gone. At least I hope that is true. I don't want to hover like Casper the Friendly Ghost over my remains, watching to see that no one throws my gallbladder at a cute female research physician to get her attention, or trying to control the artistic process after my death. "No, no! Over here!" I'd insist to the artist, freaking them out completely and causing them to take a fast-acting antidepressant and an afternoon off.

While it's fun to think about, I don't think that I'm ready for The Great Sleep yet. I sure am winding down though, like an old watch that is wound gently lest its band finally give way.

My Life with Dante

2011-04-11T19:11:00.001-04:00

Accepting my current state of health requires admitting uncensored awareness of exactly how, relentlessly, my debilitating illness circumscribes my life in ever smaller circles. No sooner do I acclimate to the claustrophobia induced by the new limits imposed than their radius declines and they begin to close in on me again. Then this process begins anew.

Every time that I am forced to acknowledge and accept a new limit, I must confront my illness as a whole. I am confronted with the stark, inescapable reality that my body is no longer within my control. My body is no longer at my beck and call. Our roles have been reversed. Therefore my time is not my own. And so, my life is not my own.

It makes me regret every offering of self to deity, country, organization or individual that I have ever made. Never mind the satisfaction derived from thoughts of treasures awaiting in heaven, duties well discharged, promises fulfilled, or vows kept. I'd greatly prefer the contentment derived from having a happy spouse by my side and my own children, perhaps with families of their own, surrounding me in my final moment, preferably as I die of natural causes, many years hence.

Changing Seasons, Changing Directions

2011-03-17T18:18:00.001-04:00

It's funny: as I look through my previous posts, I can't help but notice that my life and goals have taken an entirely different turn than I had originally anticipated.

My life is more like a winding road through the forest than a high speed train ride. The journey is the destination. Every day is a gift. Some of us experience this daily while others know it, but live blithely unaware of its ramifications in their life unless "something happens".

Then, as soon as the crisis has been resolved, they return to the safe, calm, womblike state of denial of death, destruction and unpleasantness of any sort, and "life goes on".

What can we learn from the middle space? Between the apprehension of stark, unvarnished reality and utter denial lies...what sort of wisdom?

Looking for Signs of Spring Between Blizzards

2011-01-31T21:40:00.000-05:00

Already, I find myself looking for signs that Spring is imminent. The sun is rising earlier and setting later, I notice. The Christmas merchandise has been replaced by Valentine's Day foods and gifts. I'm just getting used to "2011" instead of "2010", and February, the second month of Winter, is upon us. March is just around the corner, isn't it? And isn't March 21st the Vernal Equinox? IT IS, ISN'T IT?

Ok, ok. I'm ok. It's just that ANOTHER blizzard is heading our way, promising to dump umpteen inches of snow, bringing high winds and hazardous conditions, AND it's not the last one predicted for February. So why am I hoping for signs of Spring?

The answer is this: without them, I might go 'round the bend! I'm going a bit stir crazy these days, what with the intermittent blizzards, the limits imposed by my intermittently poor health, and the strange cage that my intermittent income imposes on my activities. I need 'em, and I need 'em NOW.

So if you've seen a cardinal, some lambs, crocuses, roses in the snow, have noticed that the sun is rising almost 25 seconds sooner than it did yesterday, please comment and share your discovery with me and everyone else who is longing for Spring between blizzards.

I can bear another visit from the Abominable Snowman, but I'm not sure how many more I can stand between now and March 21st. I'm preparing for the Vernal Equinox: thinking of young rabbits hopping unsteadily on the uncut grass, ditching boots in favor of sneakers, and celebrating once again the blessing of warmth and growth upon the Earth and within.

Come, Spring, bless us with warmth and light upon the Earth.

Swimming My Way Into the New Year

2011-01-18T22:20:00.000-05:00

I was all set: thanking God and the powers that be for what was turning out to be a much better holiday season than I had anticipated. My bills were paid, my rent was paid ahead, and I had a significant, unexpected windfall. My home was clean, neat and organized. My laundry was done. Every small, nitpicky grooming chore was complete. Almost all of my gifts were purchased and wrapped, and I looked forward to selecting a few special treats for myself. After scrimping and penny pinching all year long, I was trying to restrain myself.

Should I sit at the cafe like a lady of leisure with a cup of Christmas Blend with vanilla soy milk and whipped cream, enjoying the sunlight as it streams in through the huge front windows and contemplate my plans for a day of shopping? Or should I high-tail it to the grocery store and make prudent purchases quickly, before that windfall slips through my fingers? This was my dilemma. It was chilly but not cold, with snow decorating the landscape so that it was picturesque but did not put a damper on my outing. I thought of one of my honorary Grams and did what she did, so many years ago.

I turned and crossed the street, fairly running into the cafe. Of course there was no internet back then, I considered, as I ordered a Venti Christmas Blend with vanilla soy milk and whipped cream. I uncapped it to sprinkle vanilla powder atop the snowy whipped cream and to stir in two packets of Splenda. I whipped out my amazing Chrome notebook and got to work on figuring out how to use the blessed thing. It's a wonder, but back then I was still wondering how the heck to get past the first page. I had my Fat Book open beside me, pen at the ready, should shopping inspiration strike while I was working out my technical difficulties.

The coffee was warm, spicy and sweet, and I ordered a refill. Three hours passed as I added extensions to my browser, emailed, listened to music, and tried to nail down my shopping list. I was trying to make a sound decision regarding an expensive, luxurious personal grooming item for my hair. It is worth every penny, that's what every review proclaimed, but I was having a difficult time parting with that much cash for that particular item.

Its price made me feel a little bit dizzy although I was sitting down. It replaces conditioners, hair oils, and deep conditioning treatments. Your hair will have volume and shine. It deodorizes, and cleans the scalp and hair shaft. Stretch shampoos as never before. Why, some people even end up going sebum only (SO) after brushing regularly for six months or so. I got out my calculator and figured out that if I abstained from a monthly hair cut for a year, and didn't buy any new shampoo, conditioner, hair oil or salve, or other hair related products, I would save at least $50 by purchasing this item. Now it began to seem fiscally prudent.

There was no alcohol in my coffee, I promise. Advertising can be persuasive, but these opinions came from people who were participating in a hair care forum that was unrelated to the maker or sellers of the product. I trusted their opinions as honest ones. I had never had a hair brush so luxurious and the thought of holding it in my hand and drawing it through my hair seemed a positively decadent sensual pleasure.

My hair is often brittle and the ends are never well moisturized for very long. Since I've been brushing daily, it has more volume, it is shinier, softer, and the sebum from the scalp travels down to the ends and really does a great job of moisturizing them. It does a great job of removing white, powdery flakes and deodorizing, too. Now my hair is soft, supple and clean with a minimum of fuss. It's so nice to skip soaking it with water in the Winter, too. I save at least 20 minutes a shampoo day because I don't have to wait for it to dry, besides the actual shampooing time in the shower. I still shampoo it, but I'm stretching shampoos and, to be honest, I'm clinging to that practice mostly out of the mistaken belief that it is necessary to shampoo in order to have a clean scalp and clean hair. But experience is showing me that this is not so.

Anyway, back to my dilemma at the cafe. I make the enthusiastic leap, I press BUY, and there goes my windfall. A short time later, I'm headed down the sidewalk to shop for gifts for others. I've added many items to my Gratitude List, and removed most from my Wish List. I found a gift for everyone on my list and decided to buy groceries in town and then head home.

When Winter Solstice arrived, I was in the natural foods store. I pointed the time out to the clerk after wishing him a Happy Winter Solstice, then proceeded to ask for the restroom key with a heretofore unknown degree of urgency. Three more times before I completed my truncated grocery shopping trip, I made similar urgent side trips to visit Johnny. It was an unexpected and unpleasant development, but I was grateful that I had completely missed my clothing and all parts of the room except the water bounded by the porcelain seat cover. Yeah! At least I had great aim. I felt ok, if a bit disconcerted.

I paid for my groceries and got out of there, now hurrying home in the dark as I wondered what exactly that meant. Was it a portend? Of what sort? If someone prayed a complete exorcism for me each year, I might experience similar symptoms, I reasoned to myself. At one time, someone did. Maybe that explained it. Hoping that any evil entities left my body and went down the pipes, I boarded the train and set my sights on my home, sweet home.

And a sweet sight it was, my nearly cubic crackerbox: warm, clean and neat, with holiday cards and wrapped presents brightening its atmosphere. Hands washed, clothing into the laundry, shower quickly taken, sleepwear on, groceries all in their appointed places, I prepared to rest my now-throbbing head on my Jingle Bells scented pillow. Just a bit prematurely, I hoped for that moment.

Once again, my colon demanded my immediate and undivided attention. NOW! It fairly shouted, pulling me out of bed and dragging me down the hall to the restroom. Fortunately, there is a tub and shower located immediately next to the fixture. I spent the next three hours alternating between pouring what felt like my entire digestive tract into the bowl and trying to warm up and get rid of the horrible odor that was growing with each round. Visit bowl, shower, clean toilet. Repeat. Ad infinitum, with no idea when respite would finally come. Exhausted now, and somewhat angry at the intrusion of the runs on my nearly perfect day and better than expected holiday season, I talked aloud to God As I Understand God while trying to stop shivering under the flow of warm water from the showerhead.

"Why?" "Why tonight, at exactly 8:37pm EST?" "Is this some kind of a cosmic joke?" "Am I being smitten for marking the changing of seasons?" (This actually made some sense to me while bent double with pain, unable to control the flow of brown liquid and mucus from the orifice most likely to ruin clean laundry, a clean home, and a Winter holiday).

Well, I thought to myself, at least now I don't care what I eat for dinner! I won't be going out and eating a festive meal or participating in a special event with other like-minded people. I'll be laying in bed, in fetal position, trying to stop shivering and somehow get warm in a room that has been warm enough until this evening. I spread my Liberator throe, which absorbs anything, down under me and decided to let it all out, so to speak. Only mucus and water were coming out into the bowl, so I thought that was the best strategy if I was to get any sleep at all tonight.

Years of potty training prevailed, though, and I made it three whole feet to the broken hot pot that occasionally serves as a container for a hastily released pee. As I got drowsier, I found myself unable to negotiate that three feet successfully. Paper towels and dishwashing liquid didn't do as well as I would have liked at removing odor and I just felt so smelly and filthy. It was all over my freshly vacuumed and mopped floor, and might be all over my freshly washed sleepwear and bedding next.

I thought about going to the hospital, but diarrhea didn't seem like a real emergency. It's not a heart attack or a stroke, I told myself. I can breathe, walk, and still think somewhat clearly. I'll practice self-care at home and see how I feel in the morning. Besides, I was so cold that I couldn't imagine waiting outside for the train, then getting on, with diarrhea coming out all along, shivering and alone. It was past 10 pm. I'd be a sitting duck. I thought that I'd fall asleep and feel fine, or at least much better, in the morning.

I woke up at almost 1:30 am in a puddle of smelly mucusy water, finding it difficult to breathe. I decided to call 911 then. I wasn't about to die alone in a sea of foul digestive secretions because I was too embarrassed to call for help. I had to dress myself and so on, despite dry heaves that produced mucus and water, dizziness, vertigo, headache, lightheadedness, waste water squirting out of me unpredictably, and the sensation that it took a great deal of effort to form coherent sentences and paragraphs, and to answer simple questions and do simple things like tie my boots and put the right things into my back pack. I was afraid of falling down, but no one helped me to stay on my feet. The rest of the night went even better.

I did finally receive some effective care. I had a CAT scan taken and received a blind diagnosis. I did get some pharmaceuticals and my pain was relieved, I could breathe more easily, my diarrhea did eventually abate the next day, and so did my nausea a few days later, with some help from a prescription drug. My PA forgot that I had diarrhea. I was lying in a pool of a watery, mucusy substance that anyone with a nose could have recognized as diarrhea. It was a comedy of errors at times and I was glad to leave the Emergency Room alive instead of being admitted for surgery of some sort (no one ever told me what type of surgery was being considered!). At least they didn't cut off the wrong leg.

So, that was my Winter Solstice. How was yours?

Well, Now...

2010-12-25T17:25:00.001-05:00

I wasn't expecting to drop out of sight for almost seven months. But, as we all know, shit happens, and that it did. Let me bring you up to date, at least a little bit.

Sensa died a sudden death in my life when I realized that I couldn't really afford it. It was crowding out other important expenses such as transportation, clothing, health care and the like. I was really angry and reluctant to let it go. I felt that I had found the "holy grail" of weight loss, the personal key to satiety, only to have it wrested from my grasp by cruel fate. (Ok, that's quite a bit more dramatic and self-pitying than I actually felt, but you get the picture).

Having forgotten completely about Sensa, I proceeded to eat any fool thing on the planet that I desired. I didn't gain any weight and my clothing fits a bit more loosely than it did last year, even though I've been quite a bit more sedentary. I have, however, been exercising for longer periods of time at a stretch, but less frequently. My exercise tolerance has improved a bit. My blood pressure and pulse are great, worthy of a much lighter person. There has been no dramatic weight loss, but I've noticed less seesawing due to water weight gain and loss.

Whoop dee doo, I must say. So the fuck what, in other words. It's all good, but will never be what I want and need for it to be. Like so much in life, it suffices but fails to satisfy. Man does not live by bread alone. Since I've been traveling through The Pause for over three years now, and my sex drive has been out the window for the past year, other elements of life become more prominent and meaningful. Sadly, they lack meaning and are better skirted or perhaps covered with a lovely cozy. In short, they suck with a sometimes capital "S".

Living on a full one third of the poverty level threshold income for one person is no mean feat. Luxurious it is not. Sometimes challenging, but ultimately always sufficient, it is. The daily grind that this type of living entails somehow brings every dissatisfaction into high relief at one moment or another. The cracks in the ancient walls of my building, the occasional skittering roach, the floor tiles rebelling against their matrix and curling upward toward my feet...all reproach me at one inopportune time or another. This discontent comes only to pass. But its effects are cumulative.

While I never planned this life for myself, nor did I agree to it, or have I fully accepted it as a final decree, irreversible in its divine implacability, I have learned to accomodate it fully. Yet every day, I realize that in myriad ways, great and tiny, I have not yet accepted it. Parts of me are blithely unaware that I am middle aged, disabled, poor, ugly and alone. I kind of like it this way. Should I wake them up? Is some sort of an EST-style confrontation in order? Or is an angel sent to guard and guide me allowing them to sleep, lest I shorten my life before my allotted days have come to pass?

I always wonder what good things may come. I look forward to tomorrow as though I might wake up and find that my life's circumstances have completely changed. It has happened to people whose life circumstances were far more dire and whose prognoses were far more grim. They are still here. They made a fortune on a mistake, on a playful exploration that lost them their job, on a jam that made their break run too long for their boss. They were met with a benefactor instead of a predator when they needed to be lifted up, without judgment, and placed upon a level playing field so that they could thrive and succeed in their chosen field of endeavor, or just hang around making toe cheese and ear wax and spending just the interest.

I chose this image of Santa Claus on a motorcycle because it reminded me of an old friend who never failed to cheer me up with his jams, his sense of humor, his generosity of spirit and his warm heart. Hurry, Santa, hurry down the chimney tonight!

Letting Go, Sprinkling Sensa

2010-06-01T18:31:00.001-04:00

Since I'm in the homestretch of my life, I've decided to make a few changes in my lifestyle. Living in the middle of a Superfund site in a state that could be accurately dubbed "The Toxic State", I question the importance of wearing organic clothing and eating organic food. Now, I haven't decided that these things are no longer important, but I've adjusted my willingness to chase after them. The difference between an organic product and a conventional product may be worth the difference between their prices, but perhaps the price difference puts the nutritional/product safety difference out of my reach. At least for now.

I saw the opportunity to try Sensa for two months for only $5 and I decided that it was worth its price. Now I'll be spending $45/month on Sensa for as long as I need to use it. It's easy to sprinkle food with Sensa before eating it, and I usually remember to do that. It's wonderful to experience satiety instead of perpetual hunger. It's nice to know that the food that I purchase will last for several days. It's easier to make my monthly food budget last all month now. I can even afford some of the pricier options that were out of my reach when satiety eluded me, despite my best efforts to meet my body's nutritional needs.

So, on one hand, I am letting go of the unrealistic goal of eating 100% raw organic vegan food and purchasing only organic products. I am sprinkling Sensa and saving money on food, which allows me the freedom to purchase organic food when it is available. I am enjoying my food more and grocery shopping has become much less stressful. I don't have access to a scale, so it's too soon to see whether or not Sensa has helped me to lose weight. It has only been two weeks, but I'm eating half of what I used to eat, and experiencing greater, lasting satisfaction.

Stay Inside Me, Month of May

2010-05-06T19:29:00.001-04:00

As the world is coming into bloom, I feel the sun setting on me. I am feeling sicker than I have felt in 15 years. Although the sun is shining gloriously through my window, I find it hard to get out of my bed. I'm always glad that I did, though. I have to bribe myself to get up with the thought of some special treat that awaits me.

The weather has been spectacular and so I've been walking outside more frequently. I usually compensate by sleeping for an entire day after a long walk and a full day. I was not expecting to live this way until I reached senior citizenship. But life is full of unexpected twists and turns, and that's part of its allure.

At least the weather has inspired me to make the effort to get up in the morning. It's like climbing a mountain sometimes. I lie in bed and marshall my forces. I entice myself with thoughts of coffee, chocolate, oranges, and the fresh, uplifting scent of my shower gel. Once I'm actually outside, I'm glad that I am awake despite the pain that greets every step. So many plants are in bloom and I appreciate each one as I walk down the street. There are roses, daffodils, and dogwood. The sky is a brilliant blue with cotton candy clouds scattered artfully about. The sun is a beautiful yellow orange and it shines so expansively that I half expect to see a smiling face on it. Despite my prognosis and humble living conditions, I am able to experience great pleasure, happiness and contentment. I wish the same for you.

April Fool?

2010-04-22T17:11:00.002-04:00

So, it seems that this study indicates that consuming produce provides a very modest degree of protection against cancer. That is discouraging news to people who are fighting cancer and count fresh organic produce among their chief weapons. However, it is not license to discard your fruit bowl and salad bowl and replace them with bags of crunchy, bright orange snack "foods" and bowls of high calorie, high fat, high sugar premium ice cream. The study is not specific about what kind of produce was eaten, whether or not it was organic, whole, and fresh or conventional and canned. My conclusion from this study is that even if the produce is conventional and canned, it may afford a modest degree of protection from cancer. Organic produce ordinarily contains higher levels of nutrients so it stands to reason that it might have a stronger protective effect. More studies, please!

I released my eating rules in March and enjoyed a wide variety of foods. Unfortunately, I also experienced abdominal cramps, gas, and rebound hunger after eating dairy and gluten. So, I am gradually eliminating them again. I've been crazy about citrus fruit this month. It all started with some incredibly delicious smelling organic Valencia oranges. I walked by them and had to stop and turn around to see what smelled so good. Then it was organic Minneola tangeloes. Then organic Moro oranges. They were the most expensive but tasted so good that I had an orgy of blood oranges one day. So satisfying, so succulent, so sweet! And they are filled with nutrients, not empty calories, food additives and high fructose corn syrup.

I also bought a bag of organic agave inulin this month. It's a fine powder and it mixes beautifully with liquids, disappearing without a trace. I might try mixing it in fruit spread or other more solid foods, too. One tablespoon of powdered agave contains 40% of the recommended daily allowance for fiber. It's a great addition to smoothies, nut mylks, or tea. It increases satiety and effectively reduces the GL of other foods eaten with it. This makes it helpful for weight loss or fasting. I've embarked on a traditional Spring cleanse involving organic agave inulin and organic citrus fruit. It seems to be working. I've been feeling lighter and happier and less hungry. When an internal cleanse is complete, the body feels and smells fantastic. I've quite a bit of heavy metal exposure to compensate for, so I'm eating organic citrus fruit and organic agave inulin and I'm enjoying it so much that I don't really care how long it takes to complete the cleanse.

Saw My Shadow

2010-03-11T18:06:00.000-05:00

February was another month of hibernation. I did shop early in the month for raw, vegan whole foods and ate well as a result. But I just can't seem to break free of the restaurant food habit. I live in a studio and my kitchen is makeshift, so when I crave home cooking I head for a restaurant. I'd love to own a dehydrator but I suspect that I'd be furnishing a high rise for the roaches that skitter about when I turn on the light at the end of the day. Cypress and peppermint essential oils have made them less frequent visitors but I still see them from time to time. I don't want to become an inadvertent uncooker of roach leather!

Since I've been eating raw organic whole foods most of the time, I've grown three inches in height. Seriously, I never expected that. Now I'm a little less undertall. But I haven't lost an ounce. This might be due to the three forms of edema that I currently host in my body. When I wear loose fitting sleepwear for many consecutive days, my body expands. Though I'm not at my most waterlogged at the moment, I carry a small pond with me each day.

Death from kidney cancer is said to be peaceful and pleasant, like drowning. I've known drowning victims who said that they were happy while drowning and didn't wish to be rescued. I do feel peaceful and euphoric at my center. It's likely that I will die from pulmonary edema and/or congestive heart failure secondary to kidney cancer. I don't know when, and I could get hit by a bus or fall victim to foul play in the meantime, but that's the most likely cause of death for me.

I've known that it is coming for almost twenty years now. At first I was debilitated by my symptoms. They gradually improved enough to allow me to drive, shop and walk around for a while without exhausting myself. I've worked full time and earned my BA. Now I sleep more than I am awake. I'm not incontinent yet but I've had some frantic sprints to the restroom. My face is marked by puffiness, pallor and raccoon rings. I suppose that terminal illness seldom makes one more attractive, but this was unexpected and is entirely unwelcome, along with the edema, headaches, nausea, fluctuating appetite and low energy level.

I'm not dialysed. I am not on a transplant list. I have so many Stage 5 cancers that it would be pointless to irradiate or surgically remove some of my body when the rest of it is no more sound than my kidneys. Somehow I've lived almost twenty years when my doctor predicted two more years of life at most. I don't know why.

I don't know how much more time there will be. I practice healthy self-care by eating raw organic whole food and exercising as I am able. I rest a lot, and have accepted that my body needs much more rest than ever before. I've gradually come to accept that my life has changed and will likely remain changed. Gradually my life will include more sleep and symptoms and less activity.

One day I may find myself unable to live at home. I may not be able to shop for myself, do my laundry, clean, or care for myself. I'd like to stave off this day as much as I can. Although my insurance covers home nursing and assisted living, I'm not ready for an institution yet.

Sorry About the Prolonged Absence

2010-02-02T19:37:00.000-05:00

My health has been less than fantastic, keeping me in bed most of the time. I was surprised and chagrined to note that I haven't posted since November! A lot has happened since then and I want to keep you readers updated.

During December, I ate a lot more cookies and drank a lot more soda than I had planned. I also ate more restaurant food and was more sedentary than anticipated. The weather was temperate most of the time and I did walk longer distances three to four times a week, but was more sedentary on the other days. My laptop died and I got bored and felt confined at home. Cookies cheered me. I also saw an unexpected and significant decline in my income. Luckily, that will be temporary. It still put a damper on holiday celebrations, though. I was feeling much more symptomatic and so I was less able to get out and enjoy the holidays. I did celebrate after a fashion, and enjoyed that.

During January, I was markedly exhausted. This past year, I felt an extreme shift toward illness. In the past I felt as though I was an imposter, not truly disabled. "I'm not like those people," I'd think to myself as I walked 5 kilometers or tackled a multitude of tasks in record time. I breezed past senior citizens on the sidewalk. I didn't visit an inpatient mental health care facility. I rejected the label while acknowledging the medical conditions whose symptoms circumscribe my life. I denied that these conditions debilitate me. But the circles are getting smaller and smaller and my time in bed is growing ever longer.

Granted, Winter is a time for hibernation but this is ridiculous. I'm gathering strength. I'm nourishing myself with foods that I am not allergic to, foods that are vegan, raw and whole. I'm still making the occasional concession to human nature, but now those are exceptions, not the rule. I'm eating more healthfully and living more consciously.

Forward Motion

2009-11-02T18:05:00.000-05:00

I'm seeing continued signs of progress. I'm trying to content myself with that. It seems that whenever I fail to fully appreciate the progress that I have made (or the absence of backward motion), I end up moving backward and wishing that I had. So I'm cultivating an accepting and appreciative attitude towards myself. I am more committed to healthy living.

My will to lose weight is crystallizing. This time (I've lost all of my excess body weight before, several times), I'm coming from my center. Instead of chasing weight loss like a fool, I'm creating the conditions in which weight loss may occur. There is no guarantee that it will. That's ok. I want the other rewards that improved habits will bring, like higher quality sleep, breathing more easily, having more energy, and a sense of well-being.

Moving Right Along

2009-10-23T19:52:00.000-04:00

I've seen some progress in the form of improved eating habits this month. I'm favoring apples over fast food hamburgers and french fries. I'm drinking more organic tea and less coffee. I'm choosing fewer foods containing gluten and casein. I'm making my higher GI foods count. This seems effortless compared to the continual struggle toward the same goals that I have engaged in for over a year.

Though I don't seem any lighter or smaller, I feel much better. I am saving money on groceries and dining out. It seems realistic to continue to eat this way indefinitely. This is a small, ordinary miracle that I can jump up and down about today.

Too Much Refined Sugar

2009-10-08T20:10:00.000-04:00

I've enjoyed this respite from healthy eating but I'm looking forward to resuming my efforts to avoid unhealthy foods. I've noticed that eating refined flour and sugar, along with preservatives, food colorants, and synthetic food additives has made me feel tired and eager to eat more food. When I eat organic whole foods I feel much better. My energy level is more stable and my appetite doesn't exceed my body's need for food as much. I don't feel the need for a "pick me up" in the form of food or drink nearly as often as I have been over the past two weeks.

So my commitment to healthy eating has grown deeper through this time of suspended food rules. Now I realize how much difference healthier eating habits make and I am more willing to avoid foods that contain lots of sugar, HFC, refined flours, wheat, gluten, casein, and so on. I am convinced that eating organic whole foods, often raw, is best for my health right now. And isn't that what eating is all about? If my food isn't providing the building blocks of good health, then perhaps I shouldn't be eating it at all.

Moving Forward

2009-09-28T18:57:00.000-04:00

I've been pleasantly surprised by the difference that my decision to add some formerly forbidden foods back into my diet has made. I've found it easy to avoid fast and restaurant food. I don't even miss it. I'm getting smaller and my clothing is fitting more loosely. I'm wearing a petite XL right now. I wore a regular 1-2X when I started this blog. Sizes can be deceptive, though. They vary among manufacturers and even among garments produced by the same manufacturer. Nonetheless, I can't say that I'm not happy to see a much smaller size on my clothing.

I'm eating as much of whatever I want, whenever I want it. Although nutritional guidelines constrained me in the past, economic guidelines and my body's signals of satiety are my only constraints now. I wish that I had a larger, better equipped kitchen and some raw food cookbooks. I'd be eating far less cooked, animal derived, refined foods if I did. Still, it's great to be free to eat whatever I like and still see my body becoming smaller.

Pulling to the Side of the Road

2009-09-13T17:55:00.001-04:00

Well, my life is taking a bit of a turn. My chronic pain has become acute, demanding my attention. My back went out and left me at home. I'm hard pressed to walk several miles to the most economical grocery store and back. The food is cheaper there but there's hardly any organic vegan whole food. The store that carries the healthiest food is closer to home but more expensive. I can purchase four or five items there every few days. I can purchase ten to twelve items at the other store. I used to shop healthfully at the store, then find myself spending money on fast food and restaurant food that was much less healthy. I thought that keeping it healthy at home was a step in the right direction.
I still believe that, but for now I'm taking a bit of a break. In an effort to curb my spending on fast and restaurant food, I'm bringing some of the "bad" (and much cheaper) back home with me again. This is temporary, I reassure myself as the warning bells go off inside me. Meat?! (hormones, antibiotics, parasites, saturated fat...) Dairy?! (hormones, saturated fat) Prepared food?! (sodium, preservatives, sugar) Non-organic food?! (less nutrient dense) Processed food?! (high calorie, low nutrient, low fiber) My inner reaction makes me wonder if I'm verging on orthorexia.

I am also seeking assistance from local food pantries. I need more food. I've come to that conclusion. When I checked my caloric requirements for a day, I see why I am ravenous every few days. I'm not getting enough calories each day. After a few days, my body rebels and impels me to seek out a source of high calorie food to meet my energy needs.

Now, I'm not planning to abandon my mostly raw, vegan, low gluten, low casein, high fiber, high protein, nutrient dense regime entirely. Not yet. I can see that I need to do some research to implement that effectively. I need to be flexible to accommodate my changing nutritional needs, changing seasons and my economic needs, too.

You're Getting Warmer

2009-09-08T20:05:00.000-04:00

I've steamed chicken on a few more occasions and I've joined a Yahoo! group devoted to Rice Steamer Recipes. I've discovered that frozen chicken tenders (as the 3-4" long, 2-3 fingers wide boneless, skinless pieces are called on the package) cook in 5-7 minutes. Small wonder they were stringy and tough. They steamed beautifully over thyme and were juicy and palatable.

I haven't actually steam cooked rice yet. I've reheated it and noticed that it is plumper and juicier but not soggy. I'm researching some easy and healthful recipes and will have more to share with you soon. I steamed water for tea and found the results more than satisfactory. Steam cooking is actually faster than microwaving. Steam cooking dissipates fewer nutrients than any other cooking method. It is possible to steam heat food while keeping its temperature below 109 degrees. Food prepared this way may still be considered "raw". It retains more enzymatic activity which catalyzes its digestion.

I'm really looking forward to steaming organic Granny Smith apples with organic sweet potatoes or yams. This makes a simple, satisfying main dish. The potatoes are sweet and the apples create syrup while they are steaming. Just cut up two sweet potatoes (or one large yam) for each apple. Steam the sweet potatoes over cinnamon or nutmeg until they are almost done. While they are steaming, dice the apple. I prefer to leave the skin on the apples for fiber and nutrients. Turn off the steamer and place the diced apple over the sweet potato. Check in 1-2 minutes. Remove the food basket from heat when apples reach desired doneness. Sprinkle a few drops of lemon juice over the apples if desired. Mix or spoon and serve. Leftovers are delicious over vanilla ice cream, yogurt (or cultured soy) or pudding.

String Chicken and Applesauce

2009-09-08T07:05:00.000-04:00

Well, my first foray into the world of steam cooking was a moderate success. The bok choi was crisp-tender and the mushrooms plump and juicy. The chicken, however, was overcooked. The steamed apples fell apart. Apparently everything cooks in half the time that the manual recommends. Live and learn!

Today I bought some organic dried thyme to flavor the next batch of chicken that I steam. When steam cooked, the spices permeate the food. The flavor develops as the food is chewed. I improvised and came up with a tasty, if slightly bland, spice blend. Omitting garlic has its price! Thyme will take its place without increasing my appetite or kicking up an unholy funk. White onion and lime will add sweetness and zing.

The kitchen was filled with the scent of ginger, cardamom, lemon and apples. Ambient humidity is a pleasant side effect of steam cooking. Aromatherapy is another. When you want to scent the kitchen, add some fragrant herbs and spices to the flavor scenter and run it for a while. If you are congested, steam some thyme. If you are tired, steam some cinnamon, ginger or lemon. If you have insomnia, steam some lavender and chamomile. The possibilities are endless.

Steam Heat

2009-09-07T07:12:00.005-04:00

As I bought some chicken and vegetables at the supermarket, the economics of preparing food at home were staring me in the face. For the same price as one restaurant meal, I had three pounds of chicken and one and a half pounds of vegetables. That's a lot more food.

The boneless, skinless chicken breasts that I bought are ideal for steam cooking. They are already trimmed and cut into large strips and will cook quickly over ginger, chile and cardamom. Bok choi, mushrooms and white onion will steam over ginger, lime and cardamom. All of this will be set off by coconut rice with lime.

I'm looking for some quick and easy steamer recipes, especially those that feature boneless, skinless chicken breast, apples and rice. It's important for me to find economical and healthful recipes before I find expensive and less healthful ones so that my steamer continues to perform as a tool that helps me to reach my goal.

Tourist in the World

2009-09-06T07:12:00.002-04:00

I will not be just a tourist in the world … just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy. ~Anais Nin

Unlike Anais Nin, I am just a tourist in the world. My medical conditions and other circumstances have left me in this situation. I watch the world go by, observe the lives of others and return to my limited world almost as filled with contentment as they are.

It's curious, this contentment that leaves me smiling as I make my way home. Whence does it arise? My means are humble, my health is failing. My life is circumscribed by these realities. I don't know whether or not I'll see another Autumn.

Maybe that's why I'm so happy. I can taste the fruit of life without buying the tree. The tenuousness of my existence intensifies the pleasure that I derive from the present moment.

Expecting Miracles

2009-09-05T05:45:00.000-04:00

As I buy my healthful organic food, drink my spring water, and walk instead of riding, I derive a certain sense of satisfaction from knowing that each discrete forward step brings me closer to my goal. Tweeting my forward (and backward) steps helps me to see that. It also helps me to see that my backward steps are surrounded by a multitude of forward steps.

Still, I'm uncertain that I'll reach my goal weight. So, I've decided to let go of that goal and set a different one. My new goal is to enjoy improved health. I want to reap the benefits of healthy habits like eating organic food, drinking spring water, going to sleep early, rising early, and exercising daily. I sincerely hope, from the bottom of my heart, that weight loss is going to be one of the benefits that I enjoy. But if it isn't, I'll content myself with improved health and the satisfaction that comes from doing what serves my body best.

Coconut Rice

2009-09-04T13:29:00.004-04:00

This is an easy recipe that I've been preparing a lot lately. It's filling, inexpensive and nutritious.

Coconut Rice
1 cup Lundberg's California Arborio Rice (gluten-free)
2 cups So Delicious Organic Vanilla Coconut Milk (gluten-free)

1 T Spectrum organic coconut oil (optional) (gluten-free)
1/2 cup unsweetened organic coconut meat (soak in .5 cup coconut milk for best flavor)
Place all ingredients in a saucepan. Bring to a boil. Turn heat down, cover pan and simmer for 20 minutes. Remove from heat and let stand for 10 minutes. Eat!

Arborio rice has twice as much protein per serving (6g) as long grain rice (3g) .Coconut completes the protein in rice and complements its flavor beautifully. Coconut oil increases satiety and adds depth to the coconut flavor of this dish. I like to use vanilla coconut milk, but you could choose plain or a different flavor. Fresh sweet mint complements this dish well and makes an attractive garnish.

Forward Steps

2009-09-03T01:40:00.001-04:00

Today I made some forward steps and enjoyed several small victories. I woke up feeling tired and ill. Later I was hungry. I wanted to order from Domino's Pizza but resisted the urge to stay in bed, eat pizza and then go back to sleep. I took a shower, dressed and traveled a bit. I ate one slice of pizza with lots of veggies on it and drank a can of soda.

I decided to shop for a rice steamer. I saw a Black and Decker Flavor Scenter Steamer that has a special tray for eggs, a steam basket (so that I can cook rice and other foods at the same time), and a flavor scenter screen (to infuse foods with flavor without adding fat or calories). I had a hard time finding it in the store. I had hoped to carry it home with me and start saving money and eating more healthfully today.

Instead, I ended up ordering it online. It will be here by the time the weekend comes, most likely. I am so excited. Sometimes I end up eating restaurant food because I don't have a kitchen. After a while, the foods that I usually keep in the fridge (which I just got at the beginning of the summer) don't satisfy me. I usually don't bother to prepare a proper meal for myself. Instead, I just grab something that is easy to prepare and head off. Now, I'll be able to prepare whole grains and vegetables so that they eat like a meal. I think that this will save me money and help me to kick the restaurant and fast food habit this fall.

How Did I Get Here?

2009-09-02T09:31:00.004-04:00

That's a really good question, isn't it? Once I attained my goal weight. It didn't last. I was sick and put on weight as a result. I stopped working out because I was too weak and tired. A 45 minute walk had me sleeping all day. It was sad and difficult to see the weight come back, but I was distracted by my medical conditions and the symptoms that they caused.

Today, I am still easily fatigued. I sleep a lot. I'm not sure that I will be able to lose weight despite my medical conditions. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not setting myself up for failure. Maybe this is an unrealistic expectation and I should just accept that I am this fat and just live with it. I just don't want to do that.

Over the past three years I have made some changes in my habits. I am eating much more healthfully and exercising more. My outlook has changed. My weight, sadly, has increased. I think that this is because I discovered Domino's Pizza. It's not a good idea to eat that kind of food at night and then just go to sleep. Even before exercise, it's not really the best food choice for me, right now.

So I have largely forsaken this habit, too. But I'm still eating fast food, especially when money is less plentiful and I am not motivated to walk to the store, prepare food, and pack something to eat. But this is changing. Lately I'm seeing this in a different light. Willingness has arrived.

Maybe it's true that I won't lose weight and I should be grateful that I still have an appetite. My doctor told me to eat and drink whatever I like. It's too late for that. It won't make any difference. I've done that, and now I'm almost at my highest weight ever. Changing my habits makes me feel better, in more ways than one. Eating more nutritious food makes me feel more energetic and calmer. I get fewer colds and don't get the flu in the winter. I'm sleeping better and that makes me feel more rested. I take pharmaceuticals to help with some of the symptoms that I experience. Yoga helps to balance my energy and increase agility, flexibility and strength. I've grown three inches since I changed my habits. My feet have grown two sizes. Even if I don't lose a single pound, I will reap health benefits. I will feel better for having tried. And that's something. I hope that I don't have to settle for that alone.

I am so tired of being fat. I'm tired of lugging around all of this water and fat. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of having a limited selection of clothing. I'm tired of having my fat determine the way that I am perceived by others. I'm expecting that weight loss miracle.

Helpful Habits for Weight Loss

2009-09-01T05:44:00.001-04:00

As I was reading my last post it occured to me that you might be wondering why I am sharing that information with you. So what? One of the reasons that I've started this blog is because I tend to minimize the significance of my efforts and end up feeling as though I'm not doing anything to lose weight when I really am doing a lot. Results are not always commensurate with effort.

By changing my habits I hope to enjoy improved health and weight loss. Here are some little things that can be helpful in weight loss: keeping warm, eating organic coconut oil, eating fennel, drinking mate tea, eating maca, consuming sufficient fiber, drinking enough water, getting enough restorative sleep, including pleasurable movement, reducing or alleviating stress, and consuming less caffeine.

In upcoming posts I am going to tell you a little bit about each of these habits and how they can help in weight loss. Maybe it isn't the difficult efforts that yield the greatest results. Maybe changing these small habits can make a big difference. It's worth a try!

Background Information

2009-08-31T05:52:00.002-04:00

Here are some details for you::

In June 2009, I weighed 280 lbs
I am 5'5" tall
I require 3,000 calories to maintain my weight
I usually walk about 1.3 miles each day
I usually do yoga for 15-30 minutes each day
I drink lots of spring water
I eat mostly raw organic vegan food
Lately I've been walking 5+ miles once a week
About a week ago I started taking Fucothin, a nutritional supplement made of brown seaweed and pomegranate seed oil. It seems to be working.
I usually drink mate tea at least once a day
I recently stopped drinking coffee every day. Now I only drink it occasionally.

Why I'm Here

2009-08-30T17:49:00.001-04:00

The other day, I received a small medallion. It was a token of appreciation for filling out an online survey. It says "Expect Miracles" over a picture of a shining sun on one side and "I not only believe in Miracles- I depend on them" on the other. I smiled and put it in the change section of my wallet.

Over the past twenty years, I have steadily gained weight. Except for a few brief periods of time, I have been overweight or obese. The last time that I was weighed, I tipped the scale at 280 pounds. I was shocked. That's a lot of weight for a 5'5" frame. Sigh.

I've wanted to lose weight, and I've tried many different approaches. Calorie counting, cardio, strength training, Diets Don't Work, intuitive eating, juice feasting, eating raw food, etc. Eventually, I gained back the weight that I lost and then some.

During this time, I was diagnosed with multiple medical conditions. I was told not to try to lose weight because my conditions would likely make that impossible. I resigned myself to that. Now I can't stand it anymore. I want to try, even if it's just not possible.

That's why I expect my miracles. About twenty years ago, my doctor told me that I wouldn't live two more years. I'm still here. I had a car accident and woke up on a slab, wearing a toe tag. I made a full recovery. I'm not unfamiliar with miracles. I rely on them.